Zombieland

Zombieland (11/30/2011) Watching the news last week was absolutely predictable as there was much speculation about zombies appearing on Black Friday to consume meaningless merchandise from China. I am guessing most of the zombies have garages full of past Black Friday festivals, plastic junk hidden away under children’s beds and some may have storage units holding booties from years past. For several weeks the zombies have been fed hype regarding deals on computers, tablets, televisions, clothes, and a myriad of other unneeded items. Last week’s newspapers prepared the zombies so they could map their plans with war like precision. Over the last several years the retailers who feed the zombies have become more sophisticated by using the internet. This allows some zombies to continue feeding on traditional foods at home, Thanksgiving leftovers, and use their computer to kill merchandise with their credit cards and a few online clicks. These zombies feel they have an edge against everyone since they maintain the protection of their homes and can start shopping and killing deals in the digital fantasy world; oblivious to social interaction and breathing fresh air. Not only was the news an accomplice to the zombies, but the media was being fed by our own government. There were reports if the zombies did not consume enough merchandise then the great beast, “The Economy,” would not survive. It appears the annual ritual of zombies appearing on the day after Thanksgiving has become the signal for the life of the beast over the following year. The President himself helped by ensuring merchandise for his campaign was marked down 10% on Friday, giving zombies a new purchasing outlet As stores opened the zombies took to hurting each other: A 55-year-old Marston, N.C., woman zombie who had just finished Black Friday shopping for Christmas presents with her sister zombie and son at Wal-Mart in Myrtle Beach was shot in the foot during a robbery in a nearby parking lot; in Phoenix, AZ a brawl broke out in the video game aisle as zombies madly tore open packages like they contained the cure for cancer; at a Pittsburgh area mall where a hot deal on yoga pants had some women zombies fuming. “Literally, girls zombies were punching each other,” said shopper Liz Wentling, and “girls were literally shoving each other, moms were getting into it.” In Rome, NY zombies at a Wal-Mart injured two female zombies and a male zombie was arrested after fighting in the electronics department. In another incident, a woman zombie trying to improve her chance to buy cheap electronics at a Wal-Mart in a wealthy Los Angeles suburb spewed pepper spray on a crowd of zombies and 20 zombies suffered minor injuries, police said Friday. Black Friday’s ritual has become more prevalent over the last several years, especially as the Beast has been dying. Roosevelt was the first to try to control the zombies during the Great Depression by moving thanksgiving a week earlier to stretch the holiday shopping season in 1939. But it was not until Philadelphia newspapers used the phrase in 1966 did the zombies have a festival day called Black Friday. The mid-1990’s propelled the frenzy to headlines and in 2002 Black Friday officially became the biggest shopping day of the year. Last week approximately 134 million zombies left their caves to kill deals nationwide on Black Friday. As the zombies face the hangover of debt from consuming too much meaningless merchandise retailers were quick to celebrate “the best Black Friday in years.”